San Diego State doesn’t have a rival. Or at least, it hasn’t for about a decade.
“But what about BYU? We all hate BYU.”
First of all, everyone hates BYU. We’re not special. That’s like saying our rival is traffic, or Mondays. Also, BYU already has a rival. It’s their more infinitely-more athletically successful state-mate, the Utah Utes.
Football schedule-makers have had us play UNLV on “rivalry week” for the past few years, but again, UNLV already has Nevada-Reno as their rival. We’re just the guys who kicked the shit out of them in basketball 8 of the last 9 times. (Four of those wins came on their home court of the Thomas & Mack Center, otherwise known as “Viejas North”, The Show’s official vacation home.)
So we’ve been rivalless (WORD?) for far too long, BUT NO MORE. This Saturday we rekindle our old WAC rivarly with Cal State Fresno. (They may call themselves Fresno State, but we will always refer to them as CSU Fresno.)
But what do we really know about Fresno? Well here’s a brief history: The city of Fresno was founded in 1978 by a group of racist puppy-eaters who were kicked out of Chico State for not being able to keep up with the rigorous academic course load. They decided to form a school in the mid-80’s as a front for their lucrative crystal meth business. At some point, Trent Dilfer went there. It’s also where Ryan Matthews perfected his gold medal-quality fumbling ability. Today, Fresno is world-renown for being the home of Keven Federline and meth. Did I mention the meth?
But why should we waste energy hating these worthless cretins? Well for one, they think they’re better than us. No, really. Their basic attitude is, “Fine, keep your hot girls, perfect weather, delicious food, incredible nightlife, hot girls, professional sports teams, hot girls and beaches. Our football program is still better.”
Here are just a few of the notable players and coaches to come through SDSU: Don Coryell, Brian Sipe, Zuma, Marshall Faulk, Brett Swain, John Madden, Sean Payton, Brian Stahovich and Carl Weathers.
All Fresno State has is David Carr and diabetes. ADVANTAGE ZUMA.
Rivalries are what make sports – especially college sports – awesome. And I would argue that unbridled hate is the healthiest human emotion. So on Saturday, it is your duty as an Aztec to make your way to the Q, get irresponsibly drunk and hurl vulgar, possibly nonsensical insults in the direction of anyone wearing Bulldog gear.
Get yourself a crate of 4Lokos, set up camp at B2, bump Uprising on repeat and chant “RONNIE FUCKING HILLMAN” until it loses all meaning because FUCK FRESNO. WE ARE THE SHOW AND WE WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR PARTYING .